I’m guessing you may have a couple questions like: “Why on Earth would anyone compare Dan Dakich and Taylor Swift?” Or, “Who the hell is Dan Dakich?” Well, the answers to those questions, as well as indisputable proof that Dakich is better than Swift, can be found below – I think.
So you know that great feeling when you’re driving and a song you love comes on the radio? Today that feeling did not find its way to me. A song stared to play, I soon found it unbearable, and I changed the channel. This brought on immediate mutiny from my two teenage daughters. “Dad! That’s Taylor Swift!” “Who?” No, I didn’t ask that. I instead opted to avoid a cavalcade of disbelief.
“Come on Dad, who would you rather listen to?” They then mockingly added, “Dan Dakich?” At that point the feeling I had was, of course – pride. Yes, pride: I have two daughters who know who Dan Dakich is! I think this is the same kind of pride that normal parents feel when their kids come home with straight A’s. Yeah, they might not know the pythagorean theorem or the capital of South Dakota, but my girls know their college hoops. Now I just need to explain to them the obvious: Dan Dakich is better than Taylor Swift. (drop a rung)
Though first, I may need to explain to any of you non-college hoops nuts who Dan Dakich is. He played his college ball for Indiana, then became the head coach of Bowling Green, and is currently an analyst for ESPN. Now, if I need to explain who Taylor Swift is, well, you should probably think about selling that real estate you own under a rock. Anyway, here are the reasons why Dan Dakich is better than Taylor Swift.
Dan Dakich Has A Better Voice Than Taylor Swift.
Yes, that might seem like a tough contention to make. Taylor Swift has a whopping 10 Grammys, and Dakich has, well, let’s say, been snubbed. But to be clear, I’m not comparing singing accomplishments, just voice. And I steadfastly maintain that Dan Dakich’s voice is better. He kind of goes from low pitch to high pitch, and slow to fast when making a point. That’s an unquestionably enjoyable and quite distinctive cadence, “‘I’m telling ya”, as Dakich would say. Then there’s Taylor Swift’s voice which I have found far from distinctive. And I support this claim with quotes from other conversations with my daughters:
Me: “Is this Taylor Swift?”
Daughters: “No Dad. It’s Selena Gomez.”
Me: “Is this Taylor Swift?
Daughters: “No Dad. It’s Ariana Grande.”
Me: “Is this Taylor Swift?”
Daughters: “No Dad. It’s Justin Bieber.”
Dan Dakich Provides Better Words Of Wisdom Than Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift seems to have lots to say about ex-boyfriends. I, however, have no ex-boyfriends. My daughters have no ex-boyfriends or boyfriends either, well, as far as I know. I assume they don’t, and as a good dad, I ignore any possible evidence to the contrary. So Taylor Swift’s words are of no use to me.
Dan Dakich, in contrast, has said so many wise things he should be called college basketball’s Confucius. Amongst the pearls he has dropped are: “Ball don’t lie,” “He’s tough on tough”, “Water finds its level”, and “If the dog didn’t stop and take a dump he would have caught the rabbit.” I’m nearly certain that no such nuggets of wisdom can be found in any Taylor Swift lyric.
Dan Dakich Is Funnier Than Taylor Swift
There’s no denying that Dan Dakich can be really funny. He once proclaimed, “Including my own kids, I wouldn’t listen to anyone in their 20s”. While talking about college baseball coach, Erik Bakich, he said, “He’s one letter from the greatest name ever.” But my favorite was when he complimented Michigan’s John Teske’s soft hands by claiming, “He uses Jergens.” There’s no doubt Teske’s friends found another meaning.
I must admit that Taylor Swift does have two lines that absolutely crack me up: “Hey kids, spelling is fun” and “To the fella over there with the hella good hair.” Unfortunately, I can’t tell you the lines that follow those. I’m always laughing so hard I never hear what comes next.
Dan Dakich Is Classier Than Taylor Swift
A contention could be made that Dan Dakich can be slightly caustic at times. He may have pushed an envelope or two, and arguably said a few things that could be considered less than appropriate for polite company – all of which I love, by the way. But I have never heard him utter one of the most vile, offensive and disgusting words in the English language – that, of course is the word “lover.” When you introduce someone as your “lover” you aren’t just saying this is my boyfriend/girlfriend. You’re saying this is the person I’m doing it with. “Hey, have you met my lover, you know, my bang buddy.” I mean, if you use the word lover, you might as well follow it up with all of the positions you just used. Dan Dakich is simply too classy to use that word. (And his wife, a former college softball coach, would likely clock him with a Louisville Slugger if he did so.)
Taylor Swift, however, not only says the word lover regularly, she sings it in a song grotesquely entitled – “Lover”. What makes it even worse is that my girls are now singing a song entitled “Lover”. And as a guy who can’t even picture his daughters with a boyfriend, I sure as hell don’t want to envision them with a “lover”.
And there you have the reasons why Dan Dakich is better than Taylor Swift.
Sorry about that, Taylor. Might I suggest you just shake it off? Though maybe not with your lover.
Finally, I must concede that my super-mega-Swiftie daughters, who have begged Santa for tickets to see you (again!!), remain unconvinced of Dan Dakich’s superiority. In fact, I’m pretty sure that they’d even take you over Santa – especially if he doesn’t come through with those tickets. But if they are going to feel that way about anyone other than their dear old dad, (or, of course, Dan Dakich) I’m happy it’s you.
Merry Christmas and “sweet dreams of holly and ribbon”.
Post Christmas Postscript
Moments after the opening of the last “big gift”, the house became filled with screams of two teenage girls. “We’re going to Taylor Swift! We’re going to Taylor!” If only Santa had filled my stocking with Advil.
A few hours later while I tried to find the living room under a pile of used wrapping paper, my oldest said, “Thank you again for the Taylor Swift tickets.” “No problem.” Yeah, that’s right – I lie to my kids. “Well I know you spent a lot of money on them, Dad.” Hmm. we now have another reason why Dan Dakich is better than Taylor Swift – Dan Dakich is free!
She then asked, “Why didn’t you get Final 4 tickets instead?” “Well, because the gift was for you not me.” Though I understand her confusion seeing that my big gift from her mother was a new duvet cover.
“But we could have done both.” “Honey, right now we just can’t afford to do both.” “Didn’t you know that Taylor Swift is going to the Final 4 to do a concert that and the best part is it will be FREE.” I’m not sure what happened next because once I heard FREE, I passed out. But I have a faint recollection of hearing my girls say, “Dad. Come on Dad. Shake it off.”
(Note to Dan Dakich: Sincere thanks for the really kind words about this article on Twitter. I’ll continue trying to get my wife and daughters to adopt the Dakich family motto of “Sack Up.” It’s clearly better than Shake It Off.)